Last friday night...

"I never knew enough about you babe
And I guess I only have myself to blame
Now I'm broken hearted and shattering
You were just playing a game

Nothing anyone could do to convince me babe
I was living in a lie, just a masquerade
Now I only know that I'll never be the same
But you were just playing a game"

-Thanx 4 nothin'- Mariah Carey

Can't believe what happened last night....
It was a workmate's birthday dinner and things were fine because I was assured that Zi would not be there, yeah yeah food was nice, little chats here and there were also very nice. Parts of the group were also going to clubbing after dinner but I insisted on not going because apparently Zi would join and I genuinely did not want to see his face. As expected I got a lot of questions about what's up between him and me, I briefly explained, still trying to reserve giving away too much detail until I started talking to his rather close friend, she told me that the other day Zi also told her about him meeting another girl and was so love struck. So obviously she knew what was going on and I couldn't control myself but let my anger unleashed by speaking to her about it... it got me all fed up and after my friend's constant requests of me joining them at the club so I thought what the heck man, I might as well go rock the night out, who cares about seeing his face!

So there I was at the opening night of a club called Imperial, telling myself to control my drinking, because obviously I didn't want my parents to see me chucking up in the bathroom after getting home tipsy at 3 am. The party had started, there was no sign of Zi. I thought it was really time to put my guard down, and at that very moment more workmates came,(store manager jimmy was there too lol) then oh my fking god, there came Zi.... and to make it even better----the girl was next to him.
It was my first time to see her, the girl that Zi said he couldn't be with me officially because he fell in love with her. The girl that he only met for 2 weeks. The girl that defeated me..

No words could describe how I felt that moment. To be in the same confined space with Zi and the girl, that feeling of digging a hole to hide.....I wanted to get away, not just physically but mentally. I turned to vodka. One after another. I couldn't help myself from exterminating her, in those dim flashing lights, I couldn't see very well but I pretty much got the overall look of her but of course girls appearances cannot be trusted in clubs.
Decent makeup? Check.
Nice body? Check.
Nice slim legs? Check.
Nice smile? Check.
Not a midget? Check.
Neat hair? Check.
Tattoo on her back? Check.
Nice personality? Not sure... I think I was the only one in the group who didn't approach her, nor did I talk to her, but the way she was hanging out with us got me thinking she already knew us for quite some time. In conclusion she is probably approachable and fun to hang out with. Oh and also Zi and her should be thankful that I didn't act like a total maniac bitch for example pulling her hair or start badmouthing about what kind of a fking bastard player Zi really is.

That fire in me was once again quenchless. For the whole night I had to deny his existence, but I was forced to watch their affections like holding hands, whispering to each other's ears while she sat on his lap, countless hugs...as much as I didn't want to admit, it really hurt. More vodka, I had to drink it off.

The alcohol in my system was finally taking over me, I started talking to Mark about my frustration, and I recalled myself screaming and swearing on top of my lungs. 'Who the fuck does he think he is to play with my feelings like that??? who the FUCK.....what the FUCK...?' Then I would doze off randomly in between convos with people...until my friends dragged me out of the club to drive me home. Dude was so close to chucking up in the car but of course I would never do that... oh yeah I remembered I was not supposed to chuck up when my parents were around. Everything was just spinning so much I ended up laying somewhere in the corridor just outside my apartment door. I wanted to calm down so I could walk in quietly without waking them up. For a spilt second I thought about going to R. I must of been out of my mind... moments later, Zi texted me saying he's sorry, i texted back saying goodbye, he texted again saying he's sorry that he's not the one I seek. I just wanted him to stfu, he didn't even know the real reason why he's sorry. Just stfu and fuck off, goodbye.

Got home and straight to bed, blacked out. I woke up with the same familiar hangover, and I was just solely disappointed that I could recall what happened last night despite getting fked over by vodka. Just don't forget what goes around comes around. What you did to me I have done it all and I have been paying the price ever since. I don't need no vengeance for you. Just watch, it will get you.

Rejection

In the road of recovery, there is no shortcut. Why did I try to fast track it? This hope and courage have betrayed me once again.

People say I need a break from all these, and while I seemed to be agreeing, all that went through my mind was anything but a stupid break. I know I deserve one more chance in love. I guess it's becoming a habit or a routine of my life-to care for somebody. At times I do wonder if the people I fought for were for the right reasons. Maybe I don't want someone, I just need someone. Maybe he isn't who I want, but he is what I need.

Things between him and me are over for the very last time. Whatever we shared in the past 2 months or so is nothing to be treasured or remembered. I'm not sure anything was genuine at all. Yes I doubt them all. On the Thursday evening lecture, I couldn't hold back my tears, why fight it? I just let emotions take me over, wanted to gtfo of the lecture but didn't want to startle anyone so there I was , wasting my time away thinking about the hard rejection that teared me apart.

But I guess I should have known better the moment it started, he never promised me nothing. In the end it was me the idiot who thought we could have had it all...maybe he could be mine...These false hopes I saw in him really had me going. The last time we were alone he held me tight telling me that he's sorry and that I'll be okay, it was almost like how R did it... Leaving me to pick up the pieces of the broken heart after I fully opened up to them. However the difference this time is that I ain't scared of seeing him again, I'm not afraid to look straight into his eyes and talk to him like we have always been good friends. I'm able to do that because I want to be resilient, I want to get over it like a boss. I know all the tears and pain are just the exaggerated after-effect of a rejection. The reality is that my life will not stop because of his departure, nobody can hurt me 'too much', a lot of other people will do whatever it takes to make me happy and to be with me.

Nevermind, I'll find someone...better than you. Goodbye Zi.

More than words

So the truth is, I never got over R just like that, on my own. I didn't turn up under his apartment and got the key back, on my own.  There was always this person there, giving me the encouragement and making sure I was alright. He would ask me about my day, ask me what I'm doing and who I'm with, ask me to eat together, ask me to join his friends and his family. He would tell me I'm "leng lui", tell me anything that I want him to say. He would laugh at me when I act stupid or crack a lame joke. He would do little things like brushing my fringe aside when it's messy, running his fingers through my hair..peeling my dead sunburnt skin...and grabbing my hand like...I belong to him. 

Yet we are nothing. In fact, we can just walk away from each other without the need to say goodbye. Just like that, quick and swift.

 

I didn't expect it but the way he cut off a conversation by saying "it's none of your business." really hurt. Yes I forgot it was actually none of my business but ouch. Ouch.
I'm sorry if it was my fault that I avoided telling him how I feel about him when he tried to bring it up this one time. I'm not sure how many times lately I've had the urge to run to him and tell him everything, but I do remember that every time when those words rushed to my mind, none actually ended up coming out of my lips when I do see him. I gotta admit that the tough experience of R are still over shadowing me. I'm very much vulnerable and I do not want to be the idiot again pouring all my effort and emotions into a possible bottomless hole. I cannot handle another heartbreak. I'm paranoid, I don't have the faith to believe in anyone. It's not that I don't want a relationship, it's true that I enjoy being devoted, but that positive projection of a near/ far future with a stable relationship no longer exists in my mind. 

Not sure if he knows oh how much I appreciate each small and big things he did for me, especially the valuable time he chose to sacrifice for me. He already earned my respect from the start when he truthfully took care of me after getting drunk from that bottle of soju. It doesn't make me the happiest when he pays for my dinner or other gentleman like behaviours, it makes me the happiest when we have our late night short walks, when he explains how much he knows about the stars to me under a starry night, when he acknowledges my niceness after making him a sandwich and when we fell asleep right after a horrible horror movie. Those times are enough to bring me to tears and I found the solace that made everything I went through before unimportant. 

Yes I'm very jealous of his ex, somehow she had the luxury to call him hers. And the fact she still owns the luxury to have him as a friend when things already fell apart. On the other hand, I'm just stuck in my own game of being a coward, running away from my feelings, eyes wandering around, searching for somewhere to crash.  

 

"All I care about is money and the city that I'm from
I'ma sip until I feel it
I'ma smoke until it's done
I don't really give a fuck
And my excuse is that I'm young
And I'm only getting older
Somebody shoulda told ya
I'm on one
Fuck it I'm on one
A strong one

You know what I'm sippin
I teach you how to mix it
But you're the only one
Cause I don't trust these bitches
I don't I don't trust these bitches
They might catch me slipping
So you're the only one

oh trust issues

Same nigga that you knew way back when
You acting like it's somebody you don't know
Tell me how the fuck we supposed to stay friends
When you got a bunch of feelings that you don't show
I can tell I can tell I can tell certain people don't like me no more
New shit don't excite me no more
Guess they didn't really make 'em like me no more
You can look me in my eyes and see I ain't myself
Cause if y'all what I created then I hate myself

That's that shit that drives me crazy
And it's all that I've been getting lately
And it's pro'ly why I'm scared to put the time in
Women wanna fuck like they're me I'm them
Looking for somethings and I think that I can find them
In you in you
 

oh trust issues"

-Trust issues-Drake

The key

Yesterday I got my spare key back from R. No it wasn't the first time I saw him since I got back from hk, last week I caught him walking pass Gloria jeans and somehow I reacted like a little wimp and hid behind the coffee machine hoping he couldn't spot me as well. After that I couldn't really concentrate on work, my heart was racing, hands were shaking, this feeling kinda reminded me of how I freaked out 2 years ago when I found out that I was foolish enough to waste my time on... never mind.

So yesterday I finally had the courage to text him about getting my key back, and surprisingly he replied so quickly, it was almost like the quickest text reply I've got from him ever since we had our "silent war". We exchanged some very brief texts about when and where to meet, and there I was, downstairs under his apartment waiting nervously, struggling to figure out what to say soon. Eventually he came downstairs, and for a sec I thought I was regretting of doing this, I walked over to him and finally had a better look of him. Yep he looked fine and happy. He lost weight. He was wearing a cap? That's a first... he said his hair was messy and hell yeah when he took his cap off, I noticed his hair was actually long and disgusting. He said he will shave the sides off....eh what? I think he is gonna go for a hardcore look...no comment. Besides talking about his hair,  I briefly asked him about his Australian PR application like I really cared about if he got it or not, however I expected him to at least ask about how I was doing lately, you know maybe ask about my life too? No he didnt seem to bother asking about me, he didn't seem to give a fk.

Short 5 minutes and I came to realize how numb my heart has become. When I looked at him, I didn't see the person that I used to poured my heart to. He used to shine so bright but now it all faded away. He is a scar in my memories, a history in my diary, a past tense in my blog entries. The charm, the smiles, the voice and the touches that got me lost in the sea full of dreams and hopes no longer have the effects on me.

Goodbye R. I got my house key back, oh and also the key to my heart.

Carry on

Sorry if i complain a lot, its just that I've been really tired, every week I face hours and hours of pure physical labour, unlike my awesome friend who got an awesome office job, I guess he is facing more of a mental 'labour' haha. My summer holiday somehow became a working marathon, how exciting!

Lately things have been quite different,(apart from my new working hours) as in my social life and my own well being. I did a brief budget for this year and it's my first one ever, worked out all these income and expenses, and of course my desired level of savings. My goal isn't very far-fetch after all. So it's all good that I'm cooking again and I'm cleaning again... soon enough I will also get a 20 visit swimming pass and I will start to get fit!

Since I only have 2 days off in a week, I could imagine that my social life would be pretty plain and dead. Amazingly it's quite the opposite. I don't know why but I started talking to a lot of people that I once neglected, like I mean people that I wouldn't be bothered trying to get to know them. I'm just so happy that I have spent time with them and it made me realize that others are too walking the tough road of recovery- just like me. I feel less alone and more motivated. Yes, the foolish pain is undeniably still existing but I know it is going to be temporary and I know I can do much much better than the me in 2011.

Now that I sound all pumped, I hope in the next post,I will blog about something happy.

The last hours of 2011

Another NYE coming up!  I can still recall the last 2 NYE, those 2 stay fresh in my memory.

2009 NYE, it was horrible to the point that I can remember every little detail of it. Yep it's true that I got to spend it with someone that used to be special, I can't exactly say he ruined it...first of all, rain was pouring so bad, we were resort to staying in hungry jacks, I also had a bad stomach ache during the whole time. So basically we wished each other happy new year in chinatown hungry jacks on a rainy night while I was in total pain. Nevermind.  I don't give a crap about it no more.

2010 NYE was a slightly better one. Before actually going out for the count down, my friend's family invited me to have dinner with them, they were so friendly, I really felt like home when I was with them, maybe it's because they are also from Hong Kong, every matter they talked about I understood and gave me great sense of belonging. After the dinner, again, I got to spend the count down with someone that also used to be special, along with a few more people. What should I say? I wasn't a horrible night like the previous year, although I told no one, honestly I think it was an awkward night where I couldn't be myself. I used to imagine that NYE would be magical if I could spend it with this special someone but in the end reality is often far from what we fathom.

This year, 2011 NYE, if I'm not mistaken, it's going to be my first time to spend it with a friend- pure friend. I'm quite curious how this night will turn out, is it gonna be fun?awkward?unforgettable?disastrous? The interesting thing is that I didn't expect him to not have any plans when I asked him about it. And I thought I was the only one who was still indecisive about where to go and what to do. I was THAT close to just stay home by myself and have a peaceful NYE for a change, but guess not... I have good company now!

Anyway this last entry of 2011 won't have a recap of this year like the previous end of year entries. I don't have the mood to re-evaluate the messy yet indelible events. The less shallow my entries are, the more chance I'll have a good night sleep. Please no more 'emotions floods' before I sleep. People say a new year will bring new hopes and new opportunities. However the hurt will carry on despite the joy of the arrival of 2012. There, I have just created myself a mini emotions flood. Screw it.

Oh, to keep myself motivated, I have just came up with a few new year's resolutions:

• get a HD in one of my subjects in each semester. It will be my first!!!
• save up 3k just for my Korea holiday the end of next year.
• make the Korea trip actually happen! Hopefully if things stays unchanged, it will happen!
• make an actual progress in Korean the language! Stop slacking and start diving in the learning materials I bought!
• forget about boys!

Yeah so they are the ones I can come up with right now, I had a couple more but they aren't realistic enough to take note of. But yes, more will come along the year. Alright, this entry is getting long, I should come to a conclusion now, maybe a grand exit statement??

'Strength does not come from physical capicity. It comes from an indomitable will.'- Mahatma Gandhi

Umm...welcome 2012, year of willpower? :-)

24th

Christmas is tomorrow. What am I doing in Hong Kong still? I was meant to be in melbourne by now. People say the bright side is that I can at least spend the upcoming special day with parents, at least I don't have to be alone, literally alone in my apartment waiting for my Christmas wish to come true.

However, Christmas was never an important day in my year. It's just another holiday, another opportunity of getting paid double. So I shouldn't be bothered by how I spend this day, since it means really nothing to me.

Strangely enough, this year I feel quite different about Christmas. My dear friend was complaining how he doesn't have friends in the new city he recently moved to, telling me how lonely and sad he feels and how he just wanna sleep through Christmas. He told me that in his country, couples go out on Christmas, so it's a romantic day. I felt quite sorry for him and at the same I felt sorry for myself as well!!! Although we both will have parents around but it ain't the same... it's not about feeling lonely family wise, it's about wanting to spend the time with someone you want to be with!